Every once in a while, you realize you’re witnessing a crisis in American colloquy that threatens the very fabric of society.

The Hilary Duff-Faye Dunaway tiff is one such event.

Still, let’s see if we can turn it into a teachable moment.

The Duff/Dunaway dust-up erupted over the announcement of a “Bonnie and Clyde” remake, to star the scarily talented Duff in a role that earned the Oscar-winning Dunaway her first Academy Award nomination 40-some years ago. Informed of the project, Dunaway cracked, “Couldn’t they at least cast a real actress?” Touche.

On the other hand, this came from someone whose, shall we say, quirks have steered her career in a spiral that’s led to supporting roles in cable movies with titles like “Cougar Club.”

Duff, apparently this generation’s answer to Dorothy Parker, responded, “I might be mad if I looked like that, too.” Meow, kitten.

The unkind thing, of course, is that Duff speaks a certain truth. Dunaway is yet another star who has let the fear of natural aging turn her to the sci-fi world of cosmetic surgery. This has given her face a certain computer-generated look – not quite real, not quite human. Put it this way: Dunaway makes Joan Rivers look normal. Or Cher.

The fear of aging is obviously a contagious condition in Hollywood, exacerbated by Hollywood’s fear of age, period. The youth culture has imparted a “Soylent Green” quality to the way it treats actors who reach the age of 50. Except instead of turning them into food, we feed them to plastic surgeons, who transform them into syntho-youths, recognizable by the gray roots beneath preternaturally dark hair, and the unnaturally tight facial skin, just north of turkey-wattle necks.

It’s dismaying to see the give-away cat eyes of cosmetic surgery on once-beautiful women – women who would be beautiful at any age if they just let themselves – like Catherine Deneuve, Jessica Lange and Candice Bergen. But you also detect the pursuit of elusive youth - in the form of Botox needle’s weirdly smoothing qualities - on the faces of favorite male performers as well.

Look at Dustin Hoffman in “Last Chance Harvey.” He’s got fewer wrinkles than his co-star, Emma Thompson, who is 20 years his junior.

Or take a gander at Ray Liotta in the upcoming “Crossing Over.” Liotta already had obvious work done before he did the short-lived TV series, “Smith.” Now he looks as though his face has been inflated like a balloon – there’s that much tension in the skin.

Honest, Ray, if your career isn’t going the way you like, it’s not the wrinkles you’ve earned naturally but, more likely, the numerous crappy movies you act in (which, no doubt, gave you those wrinkles).

If Catherine Deneuve was my biggest disappointment among female stars who should have let their beauty age naturally, the biggest among men was Bruce Springsteen, as he appeared at the Super Bowl last weekend (as well as on the cover of the New York Times’ Arts and Leisure section).

Bruce: You’re a man of the people – and you’re almost 60. Your voice is craggy – why not your face? When Bob Dylan sang, “May you stay forever young,” he meant your spirit, not your looks. If your music is great, do you think gray hair or wrinkles matter?

Bottom line, Bruce: It’s life. It happens. Cosmetic surgery doesn’t reverse or disguise it. It just makes you seem desperate. Your true fans still see the brash punk who burst on the scene 30-plus years ago. Do you really care about the good opinion of fair-weather fans who would judge you on the basis of gray hair? You’ve defied time with your music and your performances – isn’t that enough?

As for that remake of “Bonnie and Clyde,” what can you do? I recently read a list of 55 films that were in various stages of remake development – everything from trash like John Carpenter’s “They Live” to classics like Roman Polanski’s “Rosemary’s Baby.”

Personally, I’d recommend forced re-education for any Hollywood executive who even contemplates such a thing. But I recognize that my suggestion is a tad Maoist. Plus I’m just one man and hardly in a position to enforce it.

There will always be someone crass enough, hubristic enough, greedy enough or just plain stupid enough to think they can justify doing a remake of a classic film. Unfortunately, euthanizing them is still against the law.

 Print This Post